Dead man thinking
by cein
Summary: Set during Kill Ari, Gibbs thoughts on what happened on the rooftop


Title: Dead man thinking

Character(s): Gibbs

Genre(s): Angst

Episode(s): Set during Kill Ari

Notes Written for round 4.02 of the NCIS_LFWS

Prompt "Character Study: Start your story with the line I am the one who…. Anything after that is up to you, but you must start with that line."

* * *

I am the one who died on the roof top that day.

Oh it had been Kate who had taken the bullet, *both* bullets. It had been Tony who had stood there with her blood on his dazed face. But although my heart had kept beating, and the blood had continued to pump through my veins, a part of me had died with her.

It had been my fault that she had died, I had known that instantly, although it hadn't been until later that I'd realized exactly how deep that truth had been. At the time, I had believed that Kate had been killed by a bullet intended for me, and that had been pain enough. But when I found out later that her death had been engineered solely to cause me pain, that truth was almost unbearable.

At first though, all I had known was that she was dead. Kate, who only seconds before had been beaming with pride at the unaccustomed praise I'd given her, had lain motionless on the ground, her life's blood pooled beneath her head. And I in my arrogance, had assumed that I had been the target, that a flurry of wind had been the difference between life and death for me, and for her.

I had been sure that I knew who had been responsible. That bastard Ari, who else could it have been? Who else would have been patient enough to wait until after the fire fight on the rooftop had ended before taking his shot? Who else would have been sadistic enough to let us think the danger had been over before pulling the trigger and ending a life? The only small satisfaction I had taken in those first seconds after the gunshot was that the bastard had failed to hit his intended target.

But it had been no real consolation as I saw her sightless eyes staring at the sky.

Even as I had scanned the horizon, looking in vain for a target to present itself, I had sworn to myself that I would make him pay, that Ari would die by my hand. It had been the only thing I had felt I could do for Kate.

Kate who had taken such pride in her work. I had known that she had relished the thought of running my protection detail, the type of work she'd been trained to do. And that had been practically the only reason I'd agreed to 'protective custody'. I'd been convinced that it was unnecessary. After all, I had the years of experience in looking after myself, and had figured that my gut was better than Kate's training any day. But if it kept the Director off my back and made Kate happy, I wasn't going to waste my time arguing. So I'd let her organize the security arrangements, intending to ignore any that I didn't feel necessary. And I'd even agreed to wear a vest, but that had just been common sense. In spite of it all, I had never felt that the threat was real. Even up on the rooftop, when the last terrorist had fired at me, it hadn't been anything I wouldn't have dealt with on an ordinary day. But it had given Kate one last chance to show her worth, as if she hadn't demonstrated it a thousand times over before that day.

All my team had proved their worth that day, both before Kate's death and afterwards. They'd put aside their grief and had risen to the occasion. I had known that Ari's continuing freedom was not going to be down to any lack on their part.

When I'd realized that Kate had been the intended target all along, I hadn't wanted to believe it. I had already blamed myself for allowing her to act as my bodyguard. Irrational as it might have been, I had felt that if only she hadn't deliberately taken the first bullet for me, then she wouldn't have been close enough to accidentally take the second as well. And then I had realized that it had been meant for her.

Now I have to shoulder the blame for bringing her into NCIS in the first place, and onto my team. Ari killed her to send a message to me, and that is a guilt that I will carry with me to my grave.

As far as I am concerned, Ari is a dead man walking. I don't know if his blood on my hands will wash away Kate's, but right now it's the only thing that keeps me going.

Kate may have taken the bullet, but I am the one who died.


End file.
